I am trying a different approach to helping people. I am releasing my wellness guides at no financial cost over the next several weeks.

When I started changing my habits, I avoided working with someone or seeking guidance from others because my biggest barriers to change were my capacity (to do something), time, and money. Most of the “help” out there said these factors were excuses.

I also did not seek guidance because I did not know how to show up for myself or in what ways I needed to show up. I didn’t know my options; and I was uninterested in options that lead to pressure or being strung along. I didn’t know if I could follow the plan or style of coaching for more than a few days/weeks.

So I created what I needed. Acts of Wellness helps you adopt new behaviors and create habits that actually make you feel good. This guide is not focused on achieving health or body goals; it’s focused on trying different behaviors and reflecting about how those behaviors make you feel.

How we feel is directly influenced by our beliefs about ourselves, our life experiences (see A.D.A.P.T if your life experiences have left you feeling ‘broken’ or extremely critical about your choices or abilities), the amount of support and connection we have with others, the quality and quantity of our sleep, how often and what we eat, and how well our body moves.

This guide is designed to be picked up and put down as life happens and it emphasizes wellness. Wellness encompasses how you think about yourself and view your ability to make intentional choices. Our wellness is influenced by our mental and physical health. Health involves more than achieving and maintaining a certain weight or appearance.

Health is about recognizing when our actions are improving our well-being (wellness) and when they are harming our well-being.

I have organized this guide into four acts: Self-Kindness, Sleep, Nourish (food), and Move (physical activity). Within each act, there are three wellness-focused tasks to choose from. These four acts had the greatest positive impact on my mental and physical well-being. Self-kindness helped me build resilience and shift my negative views of myself. Improving my sleep brought clarity and more energy. Nourishment (eating habits) increased my stamina and improved my mood. Overtime, those factors supported moving my body more often and in more challenging ways.

I encourage you to choose an act of wellness; daily, weekly, or whenever you think of it and see how it improves your mental or physical well-being. You can start with kindness or start with a different area. You could hyperfocus in one area or dabble in several areas. Another option is to practice 2 to 4 acts each week over several months.

Engage in acts that are appropriate for you and your life. Appropriate for you acts are something that will make you feel good now and in the future. You may experience a sudden sensation of excitement, a burst of motivation to take action, or an “ah-ha” moment. Or it may include an attitude of let’s see what happens.

Keep in mind, each person has different resources and support as their disposal. Further, bodies respond to food, movement, and sleep differently. Use common sense when applying information from this guide and do not disregard medical advice or delay seeking medical advice because of information you read in this post. I do not make any guarantees about the results of the information applied in this post. I share educational and informational resources that are intended to help you improve your mental and physical well-being.

A Quick Look at Each Act

Kindness

• Discover your preferences
• Identify your limits
• Set boundaries for yourself and with others

Sleep

• Avoid sleep disruptions (if appropriate/possible)
• Build a sleep routine (if appropriate/possible)
• Change your sleep environment (if appropriate/possible)

Nourish

• Discover foods you enjoy
• Determine appetite or hunger
• Focus on Good Enough Meals

Move

• Start small
• Discover types of movement and exercise you enjoy
• Honor your energy levels

This week I will post about kindness and each week after, I will post about the remaining acts.

Kindness – Improves Well-being

Kindness (aka self-compassion) is the overarching theme throughout this guide. I encourage you to practice self-compassion as you test out different tasks. Becoming more kind to yourself can have a huge positive impact on your well-being.

Being overly critical or mean to yourself, can trigger feeling shame and that may negatively impact your wellness. When we feel shame, it makes us believe that something is deeply wrong with us — we’re failures, we’re inadequate, we’re worthless. Shame isolates us from ourselves and from others. Shame makes us feel as though change is impossible.

Self compassion research shows that people with high levels of self-compassion are able to admit their mistakes, modify their behavior, take on new challenges, and feel more happy and optimistic about their self and their life even if they do not reach their original goal.

Self-compassion is a source of strength and resilience in challenging situations. Self-kindness chooses long-term well-being over short-term pleasure. Self-compassion involves looking at how our actions impact our lives. Self-kindness motivates with care, support, and encouragement. Self-compassion allows us to see the interconnected experiences of ourselves with others. Self-kindness give us the emotional resources needed to care for ourselves and to care for others.

My goal in creating this guide is to help you modify what you believe/think/say to yourself while you figure out what you need to feel good. And if you want to pursue a health or body goal, practicing kindness will help you overcome the many ups and downs to achieving your goal. I hope this guide will help you increase your optimism about your abilities and actions; and decrease feelings of defeated and discouraged while improving your wellness.

Being kind to yourself does not mean you do whatever you want when you want. Being kind to yourself means being curious about why you do what you do or why you avoid what you avoid.

Being kind to yourself involves unlearning, unmasking, discovering or rediscovering your preferences and dislikes, encouraging yourself, allowing yourself to make mistakes, understanding your limits, and setting boundaries for yourself (also with others). In other words, being kind to yourself means allowing yourself to change your mind, try again, and try differently.

Building Kindness – Identify Preferences

Identifying preferences is the first step in being kind to yourself. Preferences can be biologically-based. This means your genes (DNA) influence taste, smell, and brain reward centers. Preferences are also influenced by our experiences; repeated exposure to tastes, smells, or experiences form judgments on whether you like or dislike something.

Following our preferences can help us initiate and engage in behaviors that improve mental and physical wellness and health. It can help us feel more in control to engage in difficult behaviors when motivation is low or lacking.

Identifying our preferences can help us stop wasting time and effort on things that are too difficult, or not right for us, not right for our lives, and go against our natural tendencies.

Preferences help fulfill three psychological needs that promote (mental) well-being: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Autonomy is a need to feel control over our actions and goals. Competence is a need to feel productive and to have a sense of mastery over actions and goals. Relatedness is the need to feel connected with others while taking action toward our goals.

Preferences help us find what actions are rewarding, even if they are also difficult, tedious, or boring. This helps us take action even when we are resistant to do so, which will help us build consistency, or help us recognize when to engage in a different action to build consistency.

As we build competence, we begin to see our actions as responses to our environment, a coping strategy, or a way of dealing with something, instead of seeing it as a character flaw or weakness. Following our preferences help us build competence, they also help connect us to others — we realize we are not the only ones that struggle or dislike things and it’s ok to admit it. Admitting your struggles, remembering everyone struggles; can lead to asking for help, a willingness to try new experiences or meet new people or work with someone different, and so on.

If you believe, or were taught, or were conditioned to think that having preferences is the same as being picky, selfish, irresponsible, or difficult; you may struggle with this act of wellness. To keep this act simple, the following list is small to help you (re)discover your preferences.

ENJOYMENT

• What smells, tastes, sounds, visuals (movies, art, nature, etc.), types & frequency of touch do you enjoy or gravitate toward?
• What types of activities do you enjoy socially and what do you enjoy solo?
• How much time do enjoy being social, how much time do you enjoy being alone?

REST

• Do you prefer to engage in active rest like walking, gardening, biking, etc.?
• Do you prefer inactive rest like watching movies/shows, reading, painting, etc.?
• Do you prefer to rest in short amounts of time or longer amounts of time?

FOOD

• What flavors do you prefer: sweet, salty, sour, bitter, etc.
• What textures do you prefer? Does it change based on what you are eating?
• What food groups or kinds of food do you prefer (Nourish section will give you more information): whole grains, starchy carbs, meat, fruits, vegetables?

MISC

• Do you prefer new experiences or familiar experiences?
• Do you prefer challenging tasks, easy tasks, or fun tasks?
• Do you prefer to save time or save money?
• What are your preferences when you have an abundance of energy? When you lack energy?

Take as much time you need to discover your preferences. This task will help with the next two parts of becoming kind to yourself. Do the work, even if you only start with figuring out one preference.

A Few Examples of My Preferences (You can skip this, if you would like).

ENJOYMENT

• Five senses – I prefer scents that are not overpowering. I prefer instrumental music when I need to focus (reading or writing). I prefer upbeat music while doing household projects or tasks (cleaning).
• I enjoy hanging out in groups at cookouts, fairs, concerts, and camping.
• I am an introvert, my social battery usually lasts 3-4 hours.

REST

• I prefer active rest like walking, gardening, kayaking in the spring, summer, & fall.
• I prefer inactive forms of rest in the winter – reading, TV/Movies, art.
• I gravitate towards short periods of rest.

FOOD

• I love salty, crunchy snacks.
• I enjoy the taste of fruits and vegetables.
• I prefer cooking at home. Eating gluten-free & feeding a family of 6 does influence this preference.

MISC

• I get bored easily and enjoy new experiences.
• Familiar experiences are tolerable when new experiences are not an option.
• I find ways to make challenging tasks easier or find a way to make it fun (for me).

Building Kindness – Identify Limits

When we set limits for ourselves, we pay attention to the internal sensations and thoughts we have. For example, “I notice when x happens, then y happens.”

Discovering our limits can help us recognize the “cost” of an action and it involves paying attention to our thoughts and/or our feelings. The “cost” can be time, energy, money, effort, a pleasant or unpleasant feeling, etc.

Limits can help us do something or stop doing something. Limits exist for just about everything: each day (time-wise), the body, relationships, and so on. Limits can act as a warning sign that we are about to get hurt or we are about to hurt others. There are several ways of viewing limits: proactively, presently, and retroactively.

PROACTIVE LIMIT – Includes deciding what you want to start doing, keep doing, or stop doing in the future. The future includes: this week, this month, this year, this season, or in this stage of life.

PRESENT LIMIT – Includes recognizing when you are about to avoid something that you wanted to do or recognizing you are about to do something you wanted to stop doing. This also includes accepting your limits, and honoring your limits.

RETROACTIVE LIMIT – Includes looking at past actions and situations and realizing you: could have pushed yourself a little more, should have pulled back, or did not recognize an action or situation pushed you over your limit.

Our actions are behaviors that are a response to a particular situation. When we look at our behaviors proactively and retroactively, we can begin to break our habits (a repeated behavior) and patterns (chains of behavior). Recognizing our habits and patterns can help us choose different behaviors in the present.

If you believe or were taught or were conditioned that having limits means you are weak, undisciplined, or lazy; you may struggle with this act of kindness. To keep this act simple, the following list is a small example of limits in various areas to help you (re)discover your limits.

ENJOYMENT

• Proactive: Will this lead to future enjoyment – improved quality of life? What do I need to make a task more enjoyable?
• Present: Where can I find enjoyment in the task I am doing?
• Retroactive: Would enjoyment help me do something difficult? How much enjoyment is enough?

REST

• Proactive: Will I need to make rest a priority? How do I want to rest?
• Present: How can I rest or what types of rest do I need?
• Retroactive: What happened when I did not rest enough?

FOOD

• Proactive: What changes to my food choices do I want to make? What foods do I want to start/stop eating?
• Presently: Will this food choice negatively or positively impact my goal/my mental or physical wellness?
• Retroactive: What contributed to making food choices that hindered or helped my progress/my well-being?

MISC

• Proactive: How quickly do I get bored? How much effort is good enough?
• Presently: What one thing I can focus on today? (psst: Kindness, Sleep, Food, or Move)
• Retroactive: What factors contributed to falling off track or being consistent?

A Few Examples of My Limits (You can skip this, if you would like).

ENJOYMENT

• I learned I was bored, not unmotivated or undisciplined. I have a low tolerance for boring, dull, and tedious tasks.
• I ate more frequent foods when I paired them with fun foods, at first. (See Nourish)
• Reminding myself I won’t always enjoy it, sometimes helps me do the thing I’m avoiding.

REST

• I have learned that rest improves my consistency.
• I have learned to honor my energy levels when I move my body.
• I have slowly learned that pushing my body too hard results in extended soreness (makes daily tasks difficult) and sour mood (makes me unpleasant to be around).

FOOD

• When we are busy or short on time, I have meals/foods that are easy to prepare or can be reheated.
• I have adopted the mindset fed is best, even when I serve fun foods too often.
• I realized trying being ‘perfect’ or ignoring my cravings sets me up for setbacks.

MISC

• I prefer my children to ____, I can tolerate _<amt of time>_ before I reach my limit. I have learned that my preference may be linked to an unreasonable expectation for my children and/or accept that I have this limit and it doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad parent.
• I prefer to keep the TV off and limit screen use until 6:30pm. Sometimes this is a preference, sometimes this is a proactive limit to make the household manageable.

Building Kindness – Setting Boundaries

Our preferences and limits can help us determine boundaries for ourselves and with others. Boundaries tell us where we are separate and where we are connected. In other words, they help us determine how much of our energy, time, money, effort, etc. we reserve for ourselves and how much we give to others.

Boundaries provide safety. When we are pushed past our boundaries, we get hurt (emotionally, socially, financially, or physically); when we push others past their boundaries, they get hurt.

If you are new to setting boundaries, you may set too rigid of boundaries or set ineffective boundaries. It’s normal. When we set boundaries, we also need to set consequences for what will happen if a boundary is crossed.

Consequences are different than punishments. Consequences can be natural or they can be used to modify behavior. For setting effective consequences, plan them out before a boundary is crossed and ensure it relates to the offending behavior. Consequences should be reasonable, and respectful (does not harm others).

Behaviors are a response to a particular situation. When we look at what we do or don’t do (our behaviors) proactively and retroactively, we can begin to break our habits (a repeated behavior) and patterns (chains of behavior). Recognizing our habits and patterns can help us determine our limits, set boundaries, and set consequences.

Boundaries can be viewed proactively, presently, and retroactively. Consequences can be viewed in the same way. When you view past behaviors retroactively, it can help you determine appropriate boundaries and consequences, proactively and presently.

PROACTIVE – Deciding what boundaries you need for yourself, what boundaries you need with others. Deciding what the consequences will be (for yourself and others) if those boundaries are crossed.

PRESENT – Accepting your limits as warning signs that you are close to crossing a boundary (getting hurt emotionally, socially, financially, or physically). Also realizing how your actions may push other people’s limits and you are about to hurt them.

RETROACTIVE – Includes looking at past behaviors and situations and realizing you may have ignored a limit, ineffectively communicated a boundary or consequence, placed too rigid of a boundary or consequence and hurt someone else (unintentionally).

If you believe or were taught or were conditioned that having boundaries means you are rude, unloving, or unkind; you may struggle with this act of kindness. Your preferences and limits can help you set and enforce your boundaries.

Since boundaries will vary from person to person, I won’t be able to give you guidelines on how to set them. I will share examples of how my preferences and limits helped me set boundaries.

A Few Examples of My Boundaries (You can skip this, if you would like).

ENJOYMENT – My husband and I have set boundaries about how much time, energy, and money goes toward our kids’ interests and activities. We have learned that our interests are important too and spending time, energy, and money on ourselves makes us better parents and people.

REST – Boundaries around rest may include switching off on nighttime caregiving in order to get sleep. Or sharing household tasks and caregiving duties in order to allow everyone an opportunity to rest. Respecting needs for rest and respecting resting activities that look different than yours.

FOOD – Boundaries around food may include deciding on how accommodating you will be around feeding people, accommodating food preferences, deciding how often you will cook or prepare food for others (when they are capable of doing it themselves), having foods available to match cooking skill level, how much you will spend on eating out, how often you purchase or consume fun foods, and so on.

MISC – I have boundaries around how much time I spend with certain people or how I interact with certain people. These are people I am unable to avoid completely, and they have consistently shown me they are incapable of understanding how their actions negatively impact and affect me. When I ignore this boundary, I end up behaving in way that does not make me feel good about myself.

Remember, being kind to yourself involves unlearning, unmasking, discovering or rediscovering your preferences and dislikes, encouraging yourself, allowing yourself to make mistakes, understanding your limits, and setting boundaries for yourself (also with others). In other words, being kind to yourself means allowing yourself to change your mind, try again, and try differently.

Next week, I will post about the next Act of Wellness – Sleep.

If you don’t want to wait, you can purchase Acts of Wellness here or click on the image below.

Acts of Wellness